Castle of Frozen Rain

Family. We dont get to choose them, hell we dont get to leave them as well. We are forever tied to this endless web of bloodline that can never be severed. This is especially true in the case of the nucleus family.

I’ve gone through myself some ups and downs that I figured is inevitable in a family, rough times that comes in a package with family. Everyone has problems in their families right? No single person in this world is perfect and family, therefore is not perfect either, or at least I assumed it isn’t and that it’s ok to be imperfect.

I wouldn’t exactly say I am an angel of any sort - and I’m sure my friends would agree as well - so I have to admit that I, a number of times, have been the source arguments that happened. I like to put it as a phase that "we"(only if you associate yourself with my statement) have to go through. I blame it on all the extra energy that comes with being a teenager. All the angst and rage hidden underneath a bubble that is just waiting to explode.

What matters is where you aim your burst of energy at. Some of us have very good control of ourselves and our emotions and therefore can avoid most confrontations especially with our siblings and parents. Others, like myself, let our anger take control and let ourselves loose like mad dogs barking at anything in sight.

I, to some extent, confess that I am an open person. I do not completely agree on exposing family problems and flaws publicly, but I feel that there is no shame in doing so if a family is facing serious problems that cannot be solved itself. Maybe it’s a way for someone to open up and let out some frustration that’s bottling up inside. When you are at war with your family, certainly you will need alliance outside your family to help you.

But why is it so hard for us to open up? Some of us might not have the right person to open up to. We are afraid of friends judging…then we are left with no one else. Also we do not want to bother others with our mundane problems. So we hide. In our rooms and expressed sorrow to our trustworthy diaries(if you have one).

In whatever problem we may face, I personally think self-control is of utmost importance. Maybe it’s because I myself am guilty of being such a hard-headed person who lets my blood boil so easily. I am sincerely experiencing less rage within myself when face with confrontations(really?). I think. Anyway, I hope I do calm down and have more self control. HOPEFULLY. PLEASE. ZEN. PEACE. (having my hippie moment)

What I am experiencing now is watching my brother let himself loose and attacking everyone in the family especially my mum(and I). I felt enormously pity for my mum who has to go through much mouth-bashing from my sister, brother and myself. Though I have to say, my brother will be the most difficult she ever has to face. He is only turning 15 and will years ahead of him before his teenage angst starts to simmer down. He is SO annoying. And disrespectful. And naughty. And hard-headed. And lazy. And messy. And I can go on forever about his flaws…(it’s very human to see flaws in others but not necessarily ourselves).

Is it really ok to accept a person as he or she is? Moderation is key and as human beings, we need to ACCEPT the GOOD and try to ELIMINATE the BAD. So, if you do see your friends behaving in a BAD way, choose not to accept it. Request that he change for the better for the sake of mankind. That sounds dramatic (-___-”)   Ofcourse the easier way to do this is to point out POLITELY to your friend what you think is his/her bad characteristic and discuss how he/she can change as a better person. Ofcourse again, it’s easier said than done. I, for one, have NOT practice what I preached. Shame on you, Kat.

So what’s the point of all this? Well, I don’t really know. (-____-")

This is just my lament and views. If you agree, drop a comment. Or you can comment me on how I can improve myself to be a better person. Everyone will change right? Why not for the better? J

        Growing and maturing is a delicate process. In my own experience, I’ve hurt more feelings than I actually thought I was capable of. Every single person to me is unique in their own way. To simply group people into specific categories is a very daunting task. That is why I am intrigued about psychology. I want to learn more about the many ways of grouping complicated humans because no matter how different we are, we somehow share some degree of similarity. I am also puzzled about the ways human think. How we are challenged mentally when faced with a certain problem, how some people lose their minds simply because of sheer brain power. I am very much intrigued about the human brain. The core of our behaviour, of our evolution into modern human. How we are able to adapt into the new environment we created for ourselves and others like us. I will never underestimate the power of the human mind. I believe it has potential to do so much more than we ever would have imagined. It is therefore the responsibility of scientists and psychologists to discover the magnitude of the human mind.

        I have fears that in the journey of discovering the power of the human mind, one would actually go mad while doing so because the human mind is so full of complexity and depth that if one who is not mentally stable or calm enough, would be drowned in the sea of complexity that is the human mind. Sometimes I do wonder if I am mad for having such thoughts… I also have since developed doubts over my own choice of majoring in psychology. I wonder if I am strong enough to study psychology and research on human behaviour because I have insecurities over my own behaviours. I have also discovered my tendency to be emotionally unstable. How do I improve my emotional stability? How do I improve my own qualities as a responsible and sound citizen, a member of a society, a student, a teenager, a daughter?

        Life in itself is a challenge. How do we reach a certain level of zen, to be at peace with our own mind, body and other people? It is a complicated and vicious cycle, this human life. For one, I am jealous of how some people have fewer or no problems at all in their lives[eg: a certain friend of mine by the name Tan Fong Ling]. How some people[Fong Ling] are able to take life so light heartedly. I believe I am a person who some may say as “living in the moment”. I try to be spontaneous most of the time, not planning around my everyday life. To some degree, yes we do need some planning but I try to react according to the situation that I am faced with as they arrived. I take in the feeling and experience of the moment. I am not much of an observer or critique but I take in the situation as it is, sometimes with analizations later.

        So how do we become better persons? I try to improve myself slowly, I mean, REALLY slowly everyday. As I mentioned earlier, I am emotionally unstable and rather hot-tempered. I do take the effort to control my emotions and evaluate myself but I just can’t help but to tell myself that I am horribly misunderstood and I am RIGHT. It’s just so hard admitting your fault and in the mean time, I am not ready to. I allow myself to be right, to boil my blood.

        Growing, maturing and self-discovery. It is something that we cannot escape from and a part of life that we cannot skip. It comes with knowing who you really are and what your limitations are. I am surprised that others know more about me than I know myself (I haven’t encountered many cases, but there are a few). Yet, there’s still so much more about myself that I am yet to learn about, yet to be discovered. I am ready to leave my comfort zone and be faced with situations and circumstances that may define who I am. We are going through and will continue to go through this transition together. A journey from our childhood to adulthood. A journey from our comfort zone[our school, our home, our town] to moving into a new environment, the city life, the campus life, the independent life of a responsible adult. While we might not necessarily need to leave behind our childishness(I still enjoy being a kid and having innocent fun), we still need to mature into adults, into role models, into the ideal son or daughter of our family and into bread winners for our own family.

        I am living in this moment of growing and maturing and in the mean time, learning about my mistakes, myself and others around me. It has not been an easy and pleasant journey(I quarreled, cried and screamed too many times), but I believe, or rather, I simply hope that something beautiful might come out of all this. It may not be acceptable to the masses, but if it makes up a part of me, you just have to LOVE it, or LEAVE it. So what’s the point of all this? I don’t have the answers yet, so you might as well find it yourself J

Its been really long since I last post mainly because, you know, we’re all busy with out trials exam and erk school stuff. Yah. That’s always the reason. Anyway, like always, I guess, I like to post stuff that I wrote. Please, do drop me a comment.

Erm here’s my first try at wrting a song in BM. Its a little lovey dovey but it sounds pretty nice, to me anyway. Anyone volunteer to be my composer?

Kekasih

C/O:

Kekasih, oh kekasih

Ke mana telah kau pergi

Kekasih, oh kekasih

Ke mana harus kujejaki

Kekasih, oh kekasih

Bayanganmu menghantui

Kekasih, oh kekasih

Diriku tetap di sini

V1:

Kami berdua sudah bersama

Mengapa harus lagi berpisah

Jikalau ini kesudahannya

Lebih baik tiada pertemuan

[Repeat CO]

V2:

Tanpamu ku tanpa tujuan

Tanpamu ku tanpa haluan

Mengapa harus berakhirnya

Cerita indah percintaan

[Repeat CO]

———————————————————————-

Here’s another weird and kinda dark song.

Twinkle little stars

V1:

Twinkle little stars in the sky

They are falling down tonight

Wishing I could set you free

But I really, really can’t guarantee

Bridge:

Choking as I gaze at the moon

Blood flowing to my brain a little too soon

Wishing I could touch the light

Knowing very clear it’ll end my life

CO:

You, you vampire slave of darkness

You, you dark angel of silence

If I die tonight

I’ll take you down with me…

V2:

Twinkle little stars in the sky

How I wish you could save my life

Wishing it will end tonight

Little perfect Circle of Life…

[Repeat CO]

———————————————————————-

Ok. Here’s a really funny song specially dedicated to my beloved "Someone" [not another 'someone']. To really savour it and not spoil the fun, read from the top then go only go to the chorus part to see who exactly is that "Someone". Don’t spoil the fun!! Its a really nice song so if you want to hear it, just ask me

Escape

You, you drive me crazy

While I’m trying to feel I’m sane

You, you’re abusing me

While I’m trying to heal my pain

Took control of my brain

Oh, I’m going insane!

[Repeat CO]

V2:

Why can’t I choose between the two

Any reason I can give you

I’m searching for the reason to feel alive

But without you by my side

I can’t go on speking words

My mind is filled with numbers…

CO:

I don’t want to feel this way

I don’t want to go throught this

If only I can escape

From you, ADDITIONAL MATHEMATICS!

**Told ya its funny!!**

Here’s something weird that i wrote…

Mary had a little lamb

Thick black coat little lamb had

Mary let little lamb run

Run into the woods and never return

Now the big bad wolf gets hungry

And a meal was waiting for him

Oh, you know he’s really happy

To satisfy the hunger within

Now three little pigs saw the waiting wolf

And wanted revenge for destroying their houses

So they ran towards him and knocked him out cold

Little lamb then ran into the bushes

Little boy cried “Wolf, wolf, wolf!”

“He’s knocked out cold, somebody come save him please”

And out came running Red Riding Hood

She went and bent on her knees

She took out a magic apple

Put it in the mouth of the animal

He woke up with a slight jostle

And then thanked the girl

Cinderella was really unhappy

For not being part of the story

She took a knife and swallowed it

To bad the Seven Dwarfs weren’t there to save her

This story is merely for entertainment

It is not an account of what really happened

My name was never ever mentioned

And this is how it all ended.

               Ok…Its been a really long time since I last wrote a poem or whatever that I really liked and really meant something to me. Then, late one night, the words suddenly feel out of the sky and into my head :P  Once I started writing on the first few lines, the other words just fell into place and thus, I’ve written my first song in…three months or more??

            So, here you go. Its about self discovery and gaining confidence that I’ve somehow lost. Also about leaving behind the past which breaks you and moving on into something that might change you for the better. Like it or hate it…If it doesnt mean anything to you, at least it means something to me

This song also have lost its chorus…I didnt really tried to put in words for the chorus. I just wrote all the versus continuously and thought that the chorus might not fit perfectly.

Dreaming

Verse 1:

Im dreaming out loud

Under the clouds of the night

Im figuring out

What I wanna do with my life

I fall on my knees

I fell to my surprise

But I…

Im moving on…

Verse 2:

I was stupid it seems

To be wasting my time

I held on too long

I held on to nothing in life

I fell on my knees

I fell to realize

That I…

I must move on…

Verse 3:

This world has been cruel

This life has been cold

I needed love

But I moved on…

And now I finally see

I’ve found me.

Ok…its been a really long time since I’ve posted. This is due to my hectic and active lifestyle, ofcourse

Its just that I’ve had very little time to get online, let alone post blogs considering I’m constantly being burdened by school works and studies…which also resulted in me getting less than 5 hours of sleep for every school days, except weekends. See how it all leads to one another because of SCHOOL…but school also have to be one of the highlights in my dull and not-yet-very-long lifetime ;D

So I entered this reality tv show thing which will be aired in May on RTM1. I’ll post more about it once i actually have the time to type out all the words in my head

In the meantime, check out these links to learn more about Kolej Tun Sri Lanang, the reality tv show

Clicky!

Click here too!

To check out more photos of KTSL, just search for the Kolej Tun Sri Lanang group in my groups and view the photos

I only have a few of the pics on my profile…

OK…my version of "KTSL, the story" coming soon…

Ok, ok its been AGES since my last post but i need to really make this short cuz i need to get offline real quick. So let me just put some poems for your entertainment

Actually I’ve written a whole lot of songs and poems but i didnt really have time to post em. So the following is a song that I’ve written sometime ago. And it is now published in STK Onward 2006

So FYI, its not exactly a poem as you see in the mag, its actually a song. The only part that’s not included in the mag is the chorus anyway…

Open for interpretations and comments

This Is…

Verse1:

This is my life

These are my eyes

These are the tears I cry

This is my voice

These are my words

I’m speaking in languages of love

Take my hand and lead me home

Show me the world that I never know

Open my eyes and let me see

How beautiful life can be

C/O:

Love your neighbour as you love yourself

I might hate her but I won’t tell

Live your life without your mind

You will end up in hell next life

Verse 2:

These are my eyes

These are the sounds

These are the people I know now

This is my time

This is the moment

This is the last chance to speak out

Hold my hand and whisper words

I don’t understand but I know them

Kiss my eyes and make me blind

The world is a disaster at this time…

-Repeat chorus-

Verse 3:

This is my life

These are my eyes

These are my tears

This is my voice

These are my words

These are my ears

These are the sounds

This is my time

This is the moment

This is me telling to the whole world…

-Repeat chorus-

And there you have it, my song. Here’s another poem.

My Stories

My soul is not here

I am only empty

Whatever it is that I fear

Can no one know completely

I put on a mask

And walk around proud

No one can see my scars

Or know what I feel now

I am not able to open up

Nor even to speak up

But all these emotions

Will only cause more confusions

I wrote rhymes of love

I wrote rhymes of feelings

But do I really express them

As genuine meanings?

I have come to understand

I have come t ocomprehend

My rhymes are of stories

That help me rid insanity

I am not empty

But I am secretive

My rhymes are of stories

I created from my fantasy   

Hehehe…I’m just trying to break the silence after not being able to post or go online for like, what, the past 3 months maybe? Oh look, my last post was actually like in January! Darn it!

Its been long cuz, like everyone else(maybe), I’m just so busy with school especially this year, considering I’ve been actively involve in the drama competition, kawad kaki, and some Interact activities in school. Then there’s alwasy tons of homework……. which drains out all the time I have…..technically

During all this silence, I’ve written a couple of songs and poems and recently wrote on during mid-year exam. I think i wrote when the exam was going on. Anyway, there’s been a lot going on in this three months and there’s nothing interesting enough for me to post except my poem. [My life is boring? No!]

Imaginary Friend (Part II)

In my small room I sit

In solitude I be

At my table I stare down

At the blank paper before me

I only hear my own voice now

And my very own heart beat

With my nimble fingers I hold

My blue companion to go

On a journey yet to be revealed

As on the paper the words spill

From the corners of my mind to fill

The blank paper before me

And an empty void inside me

Once I again my ‘imaginary’ friend came

To be with me yet again

As the words flow from my brain

And on the paper they stain

With my blue companion pen

I created a rhyme which begin

With me sitting with a pen

And my ‘imaginary’ friend.

Angel

How I wish I could be the angel in the picture

Showered with beauty and love so pure

So childish and innocent and also demure

No secrets hidden, everything is shown

No problems to bear and pain to endure

With eyes that are so strong and so sure

So smooth and shiny is her hair’s texture

Incredibly perfect in every nature

Oh, how I wish to be the angel in the picture

         Ok. I screwed up the last post! It was a total disaster isnt it? Darn it sucked! So to make up to that and to er…maybe make some boring people read my blog again, as i posted earlier i wrote a song recently that i am somewhat happy with. And i realised something. Well before this, i was writing some other stuff that ended up in the trash bin because since i havent been writing anything at all, i just kinda forced myself into writing at least something. Anything. A simple rhyme that meant nothing. After i wrote "Puppet", i really realised that writing something cant be force upon yourself. If it really comes from your true raw emotions, it could end up to be something really meaningful to yourself and not neccessarily others

         And because i was really in a emotional time when i wrote "Puppet" i ended up with something i really liked, something i treasured, something i am proud enough to call it my work of art (cehh…). It is kinda too late for me to realise it since i’ve been writing since early 2003. Actually, is there anyone reading all this er…nonsense(sob sob…) that im writing about??? If there isnt any, maybe i should just stop blogging(dah kecik hati dahh…).Erm ok….

       So let me just explain a little about this song "Puppet". Yes it is a song that i wrote. I guess the meaning of the song is pretty clear(look at the name of the song! Like duh!). The first and second verse are rap-ed while the chorus and the third verse are sung. I really liked the chorus. Do you want me to sing it fer ya? Hahah…just joking but if you put Ciara or Alecia Keys to work on this song its going to sound great! Then we will need a rapper. If yall know of Ciara’s song "And I", i did actually stole her ‘and I’ but thats all! All the words are of my own. I guess you can tell. Ok. Here it is.

Puppet

Verse 1:

It is so hard to be me

People just don’t see what I see

Maybe cuz I don’t do things clearly

Like written letters in black and white

Instead I try to do what I think is right

At least in my own mind

Sometimes I tried hard to change their mind

Change their negative perception of myself

But do I really care about everyone else?

And I have with me no one else but me

So I do really believe only in me

And I tried to be independent

I told myself to be confident

But I fall to the ground

I failed again

They can laugh at me now

Cuz I lost again

In my own game

Chorus:

So I

Let them control me

And I

Let them toy me

And I

Have no authority

To live my life the way I want it to be

So I

Let them take everything

Let them again, do it

And I

I am nothing

Except a puppet with these strings attached on me

Verse 2:

There were so many times

When I wish I’d just die

My troubles that were troubling me

Ain’t keeping me alive

So I shut myself down socially

Live life in loneliness basically

But yet they pushed me around

Thinking I was weak they pushed me down

I still let them do so to me now

I will never have the strength to fight them back

I am weak and I do admit that

A part of me did also accept the fact

I will only feel happy when I’m actually sad

And I let them turn me

Into what they want me to be

So bad that I as well believe

That I am not me, really

I just do not exist

And right now I perceive

I am no longer same old me

[Repeat chorus]

Verse 3:

Hurt me again, hurt me again

I’ve gotten used to this pain

So why don’t you hurt me again, hurt me again

Ev’rything hurts anyway

Blame me again, blame me again

I know I’m guilty for everything

Blame me again, please just blame me again

I’m so useless in everyway

Break me again, break me again

You know I wanted it this way

Break me again, go on and break me again

You just loved to see me in pain

So I’ll just let myself be your puppet again…

[Repeat chorus]

I don’t think I’ll live after today

-END-

OK. I know i havent been updating my blog but whatever

Here’s something that only the most bored people will ever look at…

But check back soon cuz i just wrote a song and if i have the time hopefully i will post it fer ya’ll to read it….

For the time being…

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Youth

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Wolf demon.(cool) You are quiet, and don’t pay
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clostest friends. People never underestamate
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black.Element is ice.

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I dont know if u can see the pic or not(n u might be thinking "Oh, that stupid Kat!") so complain to me la…but not like i can do anything -_________-