Castle of Frozen Rain

        Growing and maturing is a delicate process. In my own experience, I’ve hurt more feelings than I actually thought I was capable of. Every single person to me is unique in their own way. To simply group people into specific categories is a very daunting task. That is why I am intrigued about psychology. I want to learn more about the many ways of grouping complicated humans because no matter how different we are, we somehow share some degree of similarity. I am also puzzled about the ways human think. How we are challenged mentally when faced with a certain problem, how some people lose their minds simply because of sheer brain power. I am very much intrigued about the human brain. The core of our behaviour, of our evolution into modern human. How we are able to adapt into the new environment we created for ourselves and others like us. I will never underestimate the power of the human mind. I believe it has potential to do so much more than we ever would have imagined. It is therefore the responsibility of scientists and psychologists to discover the magnitude of the human mind.

        I have fears that in the journey of discovering the power of the human mind, one would actually go mad while doing so because the human mind is so full of complexity and depth that if one who is not mentally stable or calm enough, would be drowned in the sea of complexity that is the human mind. Sometimes I do wonder if I am mad for having such thoughts… I also have since developed doubts over my own choice of majoring in psychology. I wonder if I am strong enough to study psychology and research on human behaviour because I have insecurities over my own behaviours. I have also discovered my tendency to be emotionally unstable. How do I improve my emotional stability? How do I improve my own qualities as a responsible and sound citizen, a member of a society, a student, a teenager, a daughter?

        Life in itself is a challenge. How do we reach a certain level of zen, to be at peace with our own mind, body and other people? It is a complicated and vicious cycle, this human life. For one, I am jealous of how some people have fewer or no problems at all in their lives[eg: a certain friend of mine by the name Tan Fong Ling]. How some people[Fong Ling] are able to take life so light heartedly. I believe I am a person who some may say as “living in the moment”. I try to be spontaneous most of the time, not planning around my everyday life. To some degree, yes we do need some planning but I try to react according to the situation that I am faced with as they arrived. I take in the feeling and experience of the moment. I am not much of an observer or critique but I take in the situation as it is, sometimes with analizations later.

        So how do we become better persons? I try to improve myself slowly, I mean, REALLY slowly everyday. As I mentioned earlier, I am emotionally unstable and rather hot-tempered. I do take the effort to control my emotions and evaluate myself but I just can’t help but to tell myself that I am horribly misunderstood and I am RIGHT. It’s just so hard admitting your fault and in the mean time, I am not ready to. I allow myself to be right, to boil my blood.

        Growing, maturing and self-discovery. It is something that we cannot escape from and a part of life that we cannot skip. It comes with knowing who you really are and what your limitations are. I am surprised that others know more about me than I know myself (I haven’t encountered many cases, but there are a few). Yet, there’s still so much more about myself that I am yet to learn about, yet to be discovered. I am ready to leave my comfort zone and be faced with situations and circumstances that may define who I am. We are going through and will continue to go through this transition together. A journey from our childhood to adulthood. A journey from our comfort zone[our school, our home, our town] to moving into a new environment, the city life, the campus life, the independent life of a responsible adult. While we might not necessarily need to leave behind our childishness(I still enjoy being a kid and having innocent fun), we still need to mature into adults, into role models, into the ideal son or daughter of our family and into bread winners for our own family.

        I am living in this moment of growing and maturing and in the mean time, learning about my mistakes, myself and others around me. It has not been an easy and pleasant journey(I quarreled, cried and screamed too many times), but I believe, or rather, I simply hope that something beautiful might come out of all this. It may not be acceptable to the masses, but if it makes up a part of me, you just have to LOVE it, or LEAVE it. So what’s the point of all this? I don’t have the answers yet, so you might as well find it yourself J

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